E-mail: Brian7Morris "at" hotmail.com Archives March 2002 April 2002 May 2002 June 2002 July 2002 August 2002 September 2002 October 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 current Blogs Mandapants farkleberries Uranium City Records The C.M. Sienko Foundation Storyteller Musings Solotarian Views Lynne Wiora Tek Poker News Blog Some Biscuits Evil Eye Emporium Niggling Doubts Pressure Release Sara as Mommy runswithscissors Defective Yeti Afternoon Delight trancejen The Terrarium Bird Nird Slipperily Tofu Hut Stereo Gum Links Fixed Gear Gallery Get Crafty This is Grand Featherproof Books Gapers Block Chicago Bird Watching	No one must know my terrible secret... House of Noh! Sunday, November 23, 2003 Early last week my body’s natural defenses, already weakened by my case of hurried woman’s syndrome, succumbed to some sort of viral attack that came accompanied by a fever, the chills, a continual sensation of falling, and throat pain that felt like somebody had snuck into my apartment and poured lava into my ears and down my nostrils while I was asleep Wednesday night. Although the illness was unpleasant, and forced me to dig into my pad of billed hours at work, I seem to be recovering now and the silver lining of sorts that has emerged during my recovery time is that I’ve learned a little something about daytime network television - not so much about what was on, but about who was watching it. I didn’t have the strength to make it through a full half hour of “Texas Justice” on Thursday, and only lasted through one of the two back-to-back episodes of “Welcome Back Cotter” before I had to crawl back in my sleeping bag on Friday, but yesterday I had the energy to watch a full hour of “Just Shoot Me!” and even most of the episode of “Providence” that followed it, although I must say that it’s hard to truly enjoy the bittersweet interplay of enriching personal relationships and family bonds between a family of rich people in Rhode Island who have no discernable real problems and who are privy to financial resources that allow them the freedom to fritter their time away exploring themselves and doing insignificant good deeds, especially when I’m hunched over my little sutra desk on the vinyl tile floor of my kitchen shivering with fever beneath eight layers of clothes, couching weakly, and blowing wad after wad of phosphorescent snot into folds of Scott bathroom tissue. Okay, I admit it. I’m lying. “Providence” is, like, my favorite television show and whenever it’s on I like to hug Mr. Kitty and sway gently while we sing along to the theme song in our high-pitched falsetto singing voices. But don’t tell nobody, because in the eyes of some, that makes me less of a man. But so anyway here’s how I discovered this interesting thing about daytime television (excluding soap operas - my rabbit ears don’t seem to be able to receive any where I’m located in the city). There are only four types of television commercials that play during the late morning and early afternoon. These are: commercials advertising personal injury lawyers, lawyers for bankruptcy filings, surgery for the chronically obese (and isn’t it terrible what that poor Carny from the band Wilson Phillips endured before she became a recipient of bariatric surgery?) and ads for a personal body hair trimmer called something like the “Mikrotech Shaver.” The Mikrotech Shaver, as I learned from the commercial, is a pencil-shaped shaver that comes in its own handy case and can be shipped to your home with a variety of useful attachments. The Mikrotech shaver is built around a patented technology that cuts hair at skin-level but miraculously doesn’t cut skin at all!! You can use it to safely shave hair off all parts of your body, and, to illustrate that point, the Mikrotech commercial shows the Mikrotech Shaver removing hair from a wide variety of body parts: toes, what the commercial derisively refer to as “unibrows” (the PROPER term is “head-caterpillar”), the back of the neck, inside the nose, etc. The commercial even shows the Mikrotech Shaver cutting a swath through a wiry forest of back hair and being used to safely trim ear hair inside the ear canal. Inside the ear canal!! The Mikrotech Shaver is SO GENTLE that it can even shave a fully inflated balloon without popping it! Only after viewing the commercial a few times did I realize, however, that while the commercial is explicit about the potential uses of the Mikrotech Shaver, the intended purpose is merely left implied. Here are a few key phrases from the commercial to illustrate my point: “Ladies love a well-groomed man!” “For use anywhere from your head to your toes!!” “Safely use anywhere sharp scissors shouldn’t be used!” “Removes hair even from your most sensitive areas!” See what I mean? When you listen to the commercial, it becomes obvious that the TRUE PURPOSE of the Mikrotech Shaver is to trim hair off of beanbags, if you know what I mean (scrotums). Commonplace business practices dictate that it’s no accident that the Mikrotech Shaver is being advertised during this time period, it and the other three commercials have been placed in this time slot based on meticulous marketing research of viewer demographics. From this it’s no leap to conclude that there are only four groups of people watching daytime network television (excluding soap operas). And whether I’m a member of any or all of the following groups, I’ll just leave that up to you to decide. The groups are: (1) People suffering from a disabling injury (2) People on the verge of bankruptcy (3) Potential recipients of bariatric surgery (4) People with embarrassingly hairy nut sacks Brian 11:52 PM Monday, November 03, 2003 Dear Whole Foods Grocery Store Customer Liaison and/or purchasing agent: It deeply saddens me that this will be my fifth “Customer Communication” card requesting that your store begin stocking Tofutti brand “Sour Supreme” imitation dairy-free sour cream but I have yet to find this product on your shelves, or even a satisfactory response to my Customer Communications posted on the Customer Communication Board. And yes, I do realize that you posted my third Customer Communication on this topic, but I am not counting that as a satisfactory reply because it was readily apparent both to myself and your other Customer Communication Board readers that your only purpose in posting my third Customer Communication was to publish your sarcastic and.... hurtful (there! I said it) response, which pointed out in unkind terms that I had misspelled “Tofutti.” Instead of sinking to your level and remarking upon the grammatical deficiencies in your various Customer Communication replies (which exist in spades, I might add) my only retort is that I’m GLAD you know how “Tofutti” is spelled, that should make it much easier for you to BEGIN STOCKING THE PRODUCT AT YOUR STORE!! For the Fifth and what I hope will be the final time, I would like to make very clear that the VERY NOTION that your store, which purports as it does to be a wholesome, earthy-organic, vegetarian friendly establishment, does not stock a delicious non-dairy imitation of sour cream such as Tofutti’s “Sour Supreme” is COMPLETELY INTOLERABLE!! Further, the absence by which Tofutti products are conspicuous bring to mind distasteful speculation leading your loyal shoppers to dwell upon such thoughts as your store having nefarious under-the-table deals with the likes of soy cheese manufactures who (over) include casein in their alleged “soy cheeses” and egg whites in their “meatless bratwursts.” Your ignorance of the superiority of Tofutti’s “Sour Supreme” is no longer plausible, as I have dealt with this product’s merit at length in my previous Customer Communications, and I will not cease my Customer Communication campaign until your store carries “Sour Supreme!!” I also really like Tofutti’s non-dairy cheese singles. Yum! It even melts well! Should this situation not be resolved to my satisfaction, I assure you that I will not hesitate to tell all my friends that Whole Foods “totally sucks.” Further, I may casually remark to certain grocery shoppers-about-town that I, with my very own eyes, saw one Mrs. Mackelby, a third grade substitute teacher who wears a pen in a holster on the lanyard that she wear around her neck, pick her nose, nervously cast her glance about your store to see if the coast was clear, and then deposit a crescent-shaped crusty booger with a slimy sticky snot tail from the tip of her index finger and into one of your store’s bulk dry foods bins. But which bin? Which bulk food item has a booger in it?! I will tell no one, forcing your patrons who wish to ensure that they do not eat Mr. Mackelby’s booger to assume that there is a BOOGER IN EVERY BIN. Of course, I regret that it has come to this. Please don’t force my hand. Sincerely, Brian Morris Brian 12:20 AM

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House of Noh!

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Early last week my body’s natural defenses, already weakened by my case of hurried woman’s syndrome, succumbed to some sort of viral attack that came accompanied by a fever, the chills, a continual sensation of falling, and throat pain that felt like somebody had snuck into my apartment and poured lava into my ears and down my nostrils while I was asleep Wednesday night. Although the illness was unpleasant, and forced me to dig into my pad of billed hours at work, I seem to be recovering now and the silver lining of sorts that has emerged during my recovery time is that I’ve learned a little something about daytime network television - not so much about what was on, but about who was watching it. I didn’t have the strength to make it through a full half hour of “Texas Justice” on Thursday, and only lasted through one of the two back-to-back episodes of “Welcome Back Cotter” before I had to crawl back in my sleeping bag on Friday, but yesterday I had the energy to watch a full hour of “Just Shoot Me!” and even most of the episode of “Providence” that followed it, although I must say that it’s hard to truly enjoy the bittersweet interplay of enriching personal relationships and family bonds between a family of rich people in Rhode Island who have no discernable real problems and who are privy to financial resources that allow them the freedom to fritter their time away exploring themselves and doing insignificant good deeds, especially when I’m hunched over my little sutra desk on the vinyl tile floor of my kitchen shivering with fever beneath eight layers of clothes, couching weakly, and blowing wad after wad of phosphorescent snot into folds of Scott bathroom tissue. Okay, I admit it. I’m lying. “Providence” is, like, my favorite television show and whenever it’s on I like to hug Mr. Kitty and sway gently while we sing along to the theme song in our high-pitched falsetto singing voices. But don’t tell nobody, because in the eyes of some, that makes me less of a man. But so anyway here’s how I discovered this interesting thing about daytime television (excluding soap operas - my rabbit ears don’t seem to be able to receive any where I’m located in the city). There are only four types of television commercials that play during the late morning and early afternoon. These are: commercials advertising personal injury lawyers, lawyers for bankruptcy filings, surgery for the chronically obese (and isn’t it terrible what that poor Carny from the band Wilson Phillips endured before she became a recipient of bariatric surgery?) and ads for a personal body hair trimmer called something like the “Mikrotech Shaver.” The Mikrotech Shaver, as I learned from the commercial, is a pencil-shaped shaver that comes in its own handy case and can be shipped to your home with a variety of useful attachments. The Mikrotech shaver is built around a patented technology that cuts hair at skin-level but miraculously doesn’t cut skin at all!! You can use it to safely shave hair off all parts of your body, and, to illustrate that point, the Mikrotech commercial shows the Mikrotech Shaver removing hair from a wide variety of body parts: toes, what the commercial derisively refer to as “unibrows” (the PROPER term is “head-caterpillar”), the back of the neck, inside the nose, etc. The commercial even shows the Mikrotech Shaver cutting a swath through a wiry forest of back hair and being used to safely trim ear hair inside the ear canal. Inside the ear canal!! The Mikrotech Shaver is SO GENTLE that it can even shave a fully inflated balloon without popping it! Only after viewing the commercial a few times did I realize, however, that while the commercial is explicit about the potential uses of the Mikrotech Shaver, the intended purpose is merely left implied. Here are a few key phrases from the commercial to illustrate my point: “Ladies love a well-groomed man!” “For use anywhere from your head to your toes!!” “Safely use anywhere sharp scissors shouldn’t be used!” “Removes hair even from your most sensitive areas!” See what I mean? When you listen to the commercial, it becomes obvious that the TRUE PURPOSE of the Mikrotech Shaver is to trim hair off of beanbags, if you know what I mean (scrotums). Commonplace business practices dictate that it’s no accident that the Mikrotech Shaver is being advertised during this time period, it and the other three commercials have been placed in this time slot based on meticulous marketing research of viewer demographics. From this it’s no leap to conclude that there are only four groups of people watching daytime network television (excluding soap operas). And whether I’m a member of any or all of the following groups, I’ll just leave that up to you to decide. The groups are: (1) People suffering from a disabling injury (2) People on the verge of bankruptcy (3) Potential recipients of bariatric surgery (4) People with embarrassingly hairy nut sacks

Brian 11:52 PM

Monday, November 03, 2003

Dear Whole Foods Grocery Store Customer Liaison and/or purchasing agent: It deeply saddens me that this will be my fifth “Customer Communication” card requesting that your store begin stocking Tofutti brand “Sour Supreme” imitation dairy-free sour cream but I have yet to find this product on your shelves, or even a satisfactory response to my Customer Communications posted on the Customer Communication Board. And yes, I do realize that you posted my third Customer Communication on this topic, but I am not counting that as a satisfactory reply because it was readily apparent both to myself and your other Customer Communication Board readers that your only purpose in posting my third Customer Communication was to publish your sarcastic and.... hurtful (there! I said it) response, which pointed out in unkind terms that I had misspelled “Tofutti.” Instead of sinking to your level and remarking upon the grammatical deficiencies in your various Customer Communication replies (which exist in spades, I might add) my only retort is that I’m GLAD you know how “Tofutti” is spelled, that should make it much easier for you to BEGIN STOCKING THE PRODUCT AT YOUR STORE!! For the Fifth and what I hope will be the final time, I would like to make very clear that the VERY NOTION that your store, which purports as it does to be a wholesome, earthy-organic, vegetarian friendly establishment, does not stock a delicious non-dairy imitation of sour cream such as Tofutti’s “Sour Supreme” is COMPLETELY INTOLERABLE!! Further, the absence by which Tofutti products are conspicuous bring to mind distasteful speculation leading your loyal shoppers to dwell upon such thoughts as your store having nefarious under-the-table deals with the likes of soy cheese manufactures who (over) include casein in their alleged “soy cheeses” and egg whites in their “meatless bratwursts.” Your ignorance of the superiority of Tofutti’s “Sour Supreme” is no longer plausible, as I have dealt with this product’s merit at length in my previous Customer Communications, and I will not cease my Customer Communication campaign until your store carries “Sour Supreme!!” I also really like Tofutti’s non-dairy cheese singles. Yum! It even melts well! Should this situation not be resolved to my satisfaction, I assure you that I will not hesitate to tell all my friends that Whole Foods “totally sucks.” Further, I may casually remark to certain grocery shoppers-about-town that I, with my very own eyes, saw one Mrs. Mackelby, a third grade substitute teacher who wears a pen in a holster on the lanyard that she wear around her neck, pick her nose, nervously cast her glance about your store to see if the coast was clear, and then deposit a crescent-shaped crusty booger with a slimy sticky snot tail from the tip of her index finger and into one of your store’s bulk dry foods bins. But which bin? Which bulk food item has a booger in it?! I will tell no one, forcing your patrons who wish to ensure that they do not eat Mr. Mackelby’s booger to assume that there is a BOOGER IN EVERY BIN. Of course, I regret that it has come to this. Please don’t force my hand. Sincerely, Brian Morris

Brian 12:20 AM

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