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I’m not sure how St. Joseph is supposed to help you sell your house. When I was selling real estate and I was talking to potential buyers that I was trying to get to buy a house, I’d say, “Yeah, this house totally sucks!” But I’d say it all sarcastically. That never worked. I bet St. Joseph is way better at closing a deal. I bet he’s read ALL the Zig Ziglar books, cover to cover. I bet he makes a big show of turning off his cell phone (to let the buyers know how important they are to him) and then sits down with the potential buyers over some tea and English cookies and reminds them that, after all, it IS a seller’s market, and after all, if they keep waiting for the PERFECT house to come along, they’ll waste all their time looking and never find a house to move to, and after all, isn’t this house really pretty fantastic when you look at it a second time? Oh, and that tea St. Joseph gave them, I bet it’s not normal tea at all. I bet it was tea made out of dope!! Good old St. Joseph, that guy is ALWAYS high! That’s what makes him so affable. I don’t know if Saint Sebastian smokes much pot or not. But I guess you can pray to him to help you find a parking place. Again, I am unaware of the mechanics on how this works. Pot smoker or not, Saint Sebastian has got to be a pretty mellow Saint to be able to handle people praying to him at all hours of the day and night just to find a parking spot. If I was Saint Sebastian and somebody woke me up praying at like three in the morning to come help them find a parking spot I’d make a spot magically appear a block ahead of them, but then when they got there it’d say “Compact Car Only” and they’d be driving a luxury sedan and so they’d be all SOL after getting their hopes up and I’d be like, “That’s what you get you son of a bitch! Find your own damn parking place next time!” Have you ever seen a beer bottle open and filled most of the way up with some sort of mystery liquid in the middle of a parking spot? I remember quite vividly the first time I spotted a few bottles like that. Each bottle was one of those old classic glass Mountain Dew bottles - the bottles that were all fancy and looked like imperial scepters. Each bottle was place precisely in the geometric center of its own empty parking spot in the Meijer parking lot by the intersection of Kilgore and Westnedge - this was like two decades ago. Nowadays, I see these kind of bottles placed all haphazardly in parking spots, in rag-tag assortments of bottles. Nobody has any class anymore. Anyway, I also remember quite vividly asking my Dad what those Mountain Dew bottles were doing in the parking lot. He told me (rather disgustedly) that people pissed in the bottles, then put them in parking lots so people would hit them with their cars and get piss all over their cars. My dad (perhaps sensing that I was about to kick at one) also told me that whoever put those bottles there was hoping that somebody would try to kick one too, because that would get piss all over them and this would totally fall into the piss bottle setter’s plans. I’ve never disagreed with my Dad on what the bottles were filled with. However, I do part ways with him on the purpose with which those bottles were set there. My Dad says the bottle setters wanted to get piss on people. That’s not my theory - over the years and through all my experiences, I‘ve developed my own. I think that, deep down, the people who put the piss bottles there want something, something that they feel is just out of their reach, something precious and warm and tender and brave. Putting piss bottles in parking spots late at night is just a special way of praying for it. Brian 12:58 PM Comments: Post a Comment

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House of Noh!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

I’ve recently heard that if you’re having trouble selling your house you can pray to St. Joseph to help you. I guess that you buy a little statute of him which you then bury in your yard. Then later, depending on his schedule, St. Joseph stops by, all ethereal like, to lend a helping hand. Oh, and you can’t just bury one of your old G.I. Joe guys, like Destro or Snake Eyes or somebody, with a Jesus beard drawn onto it with a brown marker. It’s got to be a real St. Joseph purchased from a certified St. Joseph retailer. I asked. I’m not sure how St. Joseph is supposed to help you sell your house. When I was selling real estate and I was talking to potential buyers that I was trying to get to buy a house, I’d say, “Yeah, this house totally sucks!” But I’d say it all sarcastically. That never worked. I bet St. Joseph is way better at closing a deal. I bet he’s read ALL the Zig Ziglar books, cover to cover. I bet he makes a big show of turning off his cell phone (to let the buyers know how important they are to him) and then sits down with the potential buyers over some tea and English cookies and reminds them that, after all, it IS a seller’s market, and after all, if they keep waiting for the PERFECT house to come along, they’ll waste all their time looking and never find a house to move to, and after all, isn’t this house really pretty fantastic when you look at it a second time? Oh, and that tea St. Joseph gave them, I bet it’s not normal tea at all. I bet it was tea made out of dope!! Good old St. Joseph, that guy is ALWAYS high! That’s what makes him so affable. I don’t know if Saint Sebastian smokes much pot or not. But I guess you can pray to him to help you find a parking place. Again, I am unaware of the mechanics on how this works. Pot smoker or not, Saint Sebastian has got to be a pretty mellow Saint to be able to handle people praying to him at all hours of the day and night just to find a parking spot. If I was Saint Sebastian and somebody woke me up praying at like three in the morning to come help them find a parking spot I’d make a spot magically appear a block ahead of them, but then when they got there it’d say “Compact Car Only” and they’d be driving a luxury sedan and so they’d be all SOL after getting their hopes up and I’d be like, “That’s what you get you son of a bitch! Find your own damn parking place next time!” Have you ever seen a beer bottle open and filled most of the way up with some sort of mystery liquid in the middle of a parking spot? I remember quite vividly the first time I spotted a few bottles like that. Each bottle was one of those old classic glass Mountain Dew bottles - the bottles that were all fancy and looked like imperial scepters. Each bottle was place precisely in the geometric center of its own empty parking spot in the Meijer parking lot by the intersection of Kilgore and Westnedge - this was like two decades ago. Nowadays, I see these kind of bottles placed all haphazardly in parking spots, in rag-tag assortments of bottles. Nobody has any class anymore. Anyway, I also remember quite vividly asking my Dad what those Mountain Dew bottles were doing in the parking lot. He told me (rather disgustedly) that people pissed in the bottles, then put them in parking lots so people would hit them with their cars and get piss all over their cars. My dad (perhaps sensing that I was about to kick at one) also told me that whoever put those bottles there was hoping that somebody would try to kick one too, because that would get piss all over them and this would totally fall into the piss bottle setter’s plans. I’ve never disagreed with my Dad on what the bottles were filled with. However, I do part ways with him on the purpose with which those bottles were set there. My Dad says the bottle setters wanted to get piss on people. That’s not my theory - over the years and through all my experiences, I‘ve developed my own. I think that, deep down, the people who put the piss bottles there want something, something that they feel is just out of their reach, something precious and warm and tender and brave. Putting piss bottles in parking spots late at night is just a special way of praying for it.

Brian 12:58 PM

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House of Noh!

Wednesday, October 27, 2004