E-mail: Brian7Morris "at" hotmail.com Archives March 2002 April 2002 May 2002 June 2002 July 2002 August 2002 September 2002 October 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 current Blogs Mandapants farkleberries Uranium City Records The C.M. 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It was always very Marty Stouffer-esque - the struggle of life, predator-prey and all that. The dog was like a wolf of sorts, and I was like a deer, a deer riding an old, beat up Superbike of the 70’s! motorcycle the deer bought from a trucker in Saginaw for $300 and then replaced the head gasket in, breaking off some nuts in the engine in the process. It took the deer like a week and a half to put it all back together too, but when it was finally reassembled it roared into life when the deer tried to start it! The deer found this to be very relieving, because $300 is a shitload of money to a deer going to college. So anyway, I was like this deer, and the dog was a wolf, and together we enacted a sacred, timeless dance of life, older than dogs or deers, or even people or Superbikes of the 70’s. The first couple of times the dog heard me coming; he was waiting for me there in the road. He tried to bite my legs and shit and I had to swerve past him with my legs all lifted up and I almost wiped out, which I think was the dog’s ultimate goal. Ok, deer can’t lift up their legs like that. I know that, okay. But after a few times of being ambushed by the dog I started being all quiet before I got to the house, going slow in a high gear. Then the dog couldn’t hear me so far off and didn’t have the advance warning that I was coming. I’d creep down the road, watching the dog in his spot under the tree, chewing on a human arm or a Kalishnakov rifle or whatever he had over there, until the dog saw me. Then the race was on! The dog would jump up and start running alongside me on an intercept course at an angle to the street, and I’d immediately downshift and throttle up the bike. At first, it wouldn’t seem like either of us were really moving that fast, but as we reached the apex of our intercept course it was always a desperate struggle, the dog bounding, lungs bursting, tongue lolling, running as fast as he could go, and me tucked down to avoid wind resistant with the throttle back all the way, watching the dog just miss my back wheel and slip into the distance behind me. The dog never caught me. But sometimes it was really close. That’s what it was like last night. I was riding my bike down spooky street under the tracks when I spotted a bunch of people hunched down by the wheel well of a van off to the side. I was kind of wondering what they were up to, and I believe I (inadvertently) gave them a look as if to say, “I’m excessively curious about your activities as well as the legality of same!” Then this guy sprang up and started sprinting toward me on that same type of intercept course that dogs and creepy dudes seem to know instinctively. He shouted something, too, like, “Bah Bah Goobely Goobely Bah!” I couldn’t understand him. In retrospect, I believe that he was either saying, “I am going to take your wallet and dip your penis in carmel and bite it off, then kill you!” or, he was saying, “my van just broke down and my wife is in labor, I would hate to be an imposition but would you be so kind as to loan me your cell phone so that I may call for an ambulance, I would, of course, gladly reimburse you any phone tolls.” I’ll never know what he was trying to say, because he didn’t catch me. I though he was going to, at first, because he was really fast, but then I stood up on the pedals and kicked in the afterburners. He still almost got me. In the desperate seconds near the apex of our intersecting courses I think he realized that he was going to miss me by a small, small margin - he stretched out a claw at me, fingernails all sharp and jagged and lined with fecal matter like bird-poison cat claws, but I limberly ducked his vicious swipe at the last second and pedaled on out of there! It was very exciting and I hope it was as much fun for that guy as it was for me. Brian 3:59 PM Comments: Post a Comment

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House of Noh!

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Just last night, riding my bike down spooky street late at night started to pay dividends. FINALLY! And I’m not just talking about rat spottings or finding cool trash in the many dumpsters there, either. I’m talking about a really scary dude chasing me! Years ago (I’m so old now!) when I was living up in the corn and soy fields in lower peninsula mid-Michigan I had a job that took me every morning past this house where a dog lived. I was riding a motorcycle then and the dog liked to chase me. It was always very Marty Stouffer-esque - the struggle of life, predator-prey and all that. The dog was like a wolf of sorts, and I was like a deer, a deer riding an old, beat up Superbike of the 70’s! motorcycle the deer bought from a trucker in Saginaw for $300 and then replaced the head gasket in, breaking off some nuts in the engine in the process. It took the deer like a week and a half to put it all back together too, but when it was finally reassembled it roared into life when the deer tried to start it! The deer found this to be very relieving, because $300 is a shitload of money to a deer going to college. So anyway, I was like this deer, and the dog was a wolf, and together we enacted a sacred, timeless dance of life, older than dogs or deers, or even people or Superbikes of the 70’s. The first couple of times the dog heard me coming; he was waiting for me there in the road. He tried to bite my legs and shit and I had to swerve past him with my legs all lifted up and I almost wiped out, which I think was the dog’s ultimate goal. Ok, deer can’t lift up their legs like that. I know that, okay. But after a few times of being ambushed by the dog I started being all quiet before I got to the house, going slow in a high gear. Then the dog couldn’t hear me so far off and didn’t have the advance warning that I was coming. I’d creep down the road, watching the dog in his spot under the tree, chewing on a human arm or a Kalishnakov rifle or whatever he had over there, until the dog saw me. Then the race was on! The dog would jump up and start running alongside me on an intercept course at an angle to the street, and I’d immediately downshift and throttle up the bike. At first, it wouldn’t seem like either of us were really moving that fast, but as we reached the apex of our intercept course it was always a desperate struggle, the dog bounding, lungs bursting, tongue lolling, running as fast as he could go, and me tucked down to avoid wind resistant with the throttle back all the way, watching the dog just miss my back wheel and slip into the distance behind me. The dog never caught me. But sometimes it was really close. That’s what it was like last night. I was riding my bike down spooky street under the tracks when I spotted a bunch of people hunched down by the wheel well of a van off to the side. I was kind of wondering what they were up to, and I believe I (inadvertently) gave them a look as if to say, “I’m excessively curious about your activities as well as the legality of same!” Then this guy sprang up and started sprinting toward me on that same type of intercept course that dogs and creepy dudes seem to know instinctively. He shouted something, too, like, “Bah Bah Goobely Goobely Bah!” I couldn’t understand him. In retrospect, I believe that he was either saying, “I am going to take your wallet and dip your penis in carmel and bite it off, then kill you!” or, he was saying, “my van just broke down and my wife is in labor, I would hate to be an imposition but would you be so kind as to loan me your cell phone so that I may call for an ambulance, I would, of course, gladly reimburse you any phone tolls.” I’ll never know what he was trying to say, because he didn’t catch me. I though he was going to, at first, because he was really fast, but then I stood up on the pedals and kicked in the afterburners. He still almost got me. In the desperate seconds near the apex of our intersecting courses I think he realized that he was going to miss me by a small, small margin - he stretched out a claw at me, fingernails all sharp and jagged and lined with fecal matter like bird-poison cat claws, but I limberly ducked his vicious swipe at the last second and pedaled on out of there! It was very exciting and I hope it was as much fun for that guy as it was for me.

Brian 3:59 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

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House of Noh!

Saturday, November 06, 2004