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These are the most commonly portrayed aliens because they do most of the abducting and butt probing. Second, there are the BROWN aliens. Sometimes BROWN aliens help people, and they are generally considered benign. But their motivations don’t mesh well with human sympathies and, while they generally don’t cause any trouble, they often don’t help even when it seems to us humans that such help would be both really helpful and super easy for them to give. Even if you don’t get a look at your extraterrestrial captors, you can get a pretty good idea of what type abducted you based on what happened to you during the abduction. If you get something stuck up your butt and you weren’t into it, it was probably the GREYS. But if you are pleasantly surprised to find that you had a dental cavity filled for free even though you don’t have dental insurance, it was probably the BROWNS. If you get your brain scanned and everybody is making fun of your secret thoughts the next day at work, that was probably the GREYS. If you had some semen stolen…well, this one is a toss-up, both GREYS and BROWNS require human semen. You know how (I’ve heard) you can sell your semen to human semen organizations, and they’ve got this prostate shocker thing that they stick up your butt to shock your prostate and it makes you produce a larger amount of semen than usual so they pay you five more dollars if you do the butt shocker thing? That’s how GREYS (how else?) get their semen. This is actually the only case of extraterrestrials getting technology from humans. I’ve heard that some GREY aliens were on their way to abduct somebody and walked through a semen donor clinic where they watched a nurse do the butt probe shocking thing and the GREY aliens thought into her brain, “Human Nurse, I like your style!” and instead of abducting their intended victim they marched right back to the spacecraft and came up with their own prostate shocker. You know how scientists sometimes make poisonous snakes bite through latex stretched across the top of beakers as a means of collecting their venom? That’s how the BROWNS collect their semen. Did you know that there have even been interviews with the CEO of Lockheed, a U.S. military industry corporation, where interviewers ask the CEO how certain parts of the stealth planes work and the president is like, “how the fuck am I supposed to know, that’s EXTRATERRESTRIAL TECHNOLOGY!” Most of the GREY alien technology humans have was developed for military use during WWII, things like anti-gravity, surfactant detergents, shoes with springs in the heel, etc. In contrast, Prometheuses the BROWN aliens are not. Most people who study this kind of thing suspect that the BROWNS don’t entirely trust human nature and have been holding out on us. Perhaps with good reason. I wouldn’t blame them. Apart from the well-received technology behind “one-hitters,” technology given to us by the BROWNS has been limited, at best, to unwieldy devices of dubious practicality, stuff like microfiche machines, ink-jet printers, and those dashboard flower vases in the new Volkswagen bugs that, seriously, make me want to BARF. The scary thing about Greys is that they can use mind control on you. It’s the worst part, because you are aware that you are getting abducted but you can’t even fight back against them, you just have to watch yourself walking toward their craft. That’s what tin-foil is for. Because I think punching a GREY alien in one of its big all-black eyeballs would be one of those really deeply satisfying things to do, like hitting somebody with a water balloon from a third story window or mailing some poo. After I went all bare-knuckle Chuck Norris on the first GREY alien, I’d got out into my living room where there’d probably be a bunch more, reading my paperbacks and fishing quarters out of my change bucket and tracking cat litter all over the place and I’d go all apeshit on them, flailing about with my num-chucks breaking their tiny stick-like legs and arms until I accidentally hit myself in the head with my chuks and went unconscious to awake on the floor twenty-four hours later, a friend who got concerned when I missed plans standing over me holding my num-chucks for me to see and saying something like, “maybe you should put the foam safety sleeves back on these things.” “I’m too old for training chuks!” I’d shout back in response. Because I am. I’m 29 years old. That’s WAY too old for training chuks. The BROWNS abduct people too, but it’s rare, and more like just a pleasant social visit. There’s usually snacks and polite conversation involved and they offer to take your coat if it’s winter and if you have to go to the bathroom they’ll tell you, “down the hall, second door to the left.” But here’s a word to the wise - DO NOT offer BROWN aliens Reeses Pieces. Abductee: Would you like some Reeses Pieces? Brown Alien: (trying to be polite but with obviously strained patience) Because E.T. loves those, right? Abductee: (awkwardly) No, I mean, I know E.T. likes Reeses Pieces, but lots of things like Reeses Pieces too, things like people and…. creatures, and…. things…. they all like Reeses Pieces Brown Alien: Look. I’m not E.T. okay! Abductee: I didn’t mean to say that you were! I was just trying to be polite and offer you some Reeses Pieces! I don’t think you realize what a popular earth snack these are! Brown Alien: You realize that E.T. was a work of FICTION, right? Abductee. Of course I do! I’m really sorry. Can we please just start over? Brown Alien: I’ve got a better idea, let’s just call it a day. Abductee: What? Just for offering you some Reeses Pieces? Brown Alien: (ignores abducted and presses at some buttons and crap) Abductee: I just offered you some Reeses Pieces is all! Brown Alien: (rolls eyes) Abductee: Why you gotta be like that? Brown Alien: (sending abductee down the saucer’s gravity hole to lie in an abandoned field somewhere) This abduction is OVER! Brian 12:11 AM Comments: soooo it's bad to say "ill kill you mother f'rs!" to the browns? # posted by Anonymous : 1:41 AM Post a Comment

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House of Noh!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

“I got abducted by aliens.” “I’m worried about getting abducted by aliens.” “I covered the inside of my windows with tin-foil to protect myself from alien mind-control technology.” Each of these statements begs the question: what KIND of aliens? There are currently two different types of extraterrestrials visiting the earth (on this dimension) in large numbers. First, there are GREY aliens. These have the big heads / eyes, skinny bodies and legs. These are the most commonly portrayed aliens because they do most of the abducting and butt probing. Second, there are the BROWN aliens. Sometimes BROWN aliens help people, and they are generally considered benign. But their motivations don’t mesh well with human sympathies and, while they generally don’t cause any trouble, they often don’t help even when it seems to us humans that such help would be both really helpful and super easy for them to give. Even if you don’t get a look at your extraterrestrial captors, you can get a pretty good idea of what type abducted you based on what happened to you during the abduction. If you get something stuck up your butt and you weren’t into it, it was probably the GREYS. But if you are pleasantly surprised to find that you had a dental cavity filled for free even though you don’t have dental insurance, it was probably the BROWNS. If you get your brain scanned and everybody is making fun of your secret thoughts the next day at work, that was probably the GREYS. If you had some semen stolen…well, this one is a toss-up, both GREYS and BROWNS require human semen. You know how (I’ve heard) you can sell your semen to human semen organizations, and they’ve got this prostate shocker thing that they stick up your butt to shock your prostate and it makes you produce a larger amount of semen than usual so they pay you five more dollars if you do the butt shocker thing? That’s how GREYS (how else?) get their semen. This is actually the only case of extraterrestrials getting technology from humans. I’ve heard that some GREY aliens were on their way to abduct somebody and walked through a semen donor clinic where they watched a nurse do the butt probe shocking thing and the GREY aliens thought into her brain, “Human Nurse, I like your style!” and instead of abducting their intended victim they marched right back to the spacecraft and came up with their own prostate shocker. You know how scientists sometimes make poisonous snakes bite through latex stretched across the top of beakers as a means of collecting their venom? That’s how the BROWNS collect their semen. Did you know that there have even been interviews with the CEO of Lockheed, a U.S. military industry corporation, where interviewers ask the CEO how certain parts of the stealth planes work and the president is like, “how the fuck am I supposed to know, that’s EXTRATERRESTRIAL TECHNOLOGY!” Most of the GREY alien technology humans have was developed for military use during WWII, things like anti-gravity, surfactant detergents, shoes with springs in the heel, etc. In contrast, Prometheuses the BROWN aliens are not. Most people who study this kind of thing suspect that the BROWNS don’t entirely trust human nature and have been holding out on us. Perhaps with good reason. I wouldn’t blame them. Apart from the well-received technology behind “one-hitters,” technology given to us by the BROWNS has been limited, at best, to unwieldy devices of dubious practicality, stuff like microfiche machines, ink-jet printers, and those dashboard flower vases in the new Volkswagen bugs that, seriously, make me want to BARF. The scary thing about Greys is that they can use mind control on you. It’s the worst part, because you are aware that you are getting abducted but you can’t even fight back against them, you just have to watch yourself walking toward their craft. That’s what tin-foil is for. Because I think punching a GREY alien in one of its big all-black eyeballs would be one of those really deeply satisfying things to do, like hitting somebody with a water balloon from a third story window or mailing some poo. After I went all bare-knuckle Chuck Norris on the first GREY alien, I’d got out into my living room where there’d probably be a bunch more, reading my paperbacks and fishing quarters out of my change bucket and tracking cat litter all over the place and I’d go all apeshit on them, flailing about with my num-chucks breaking their tiny stick-like legs and arms until I accidentally hit myself in the head with my chuks and went unconscious to awake on the floor twenty-four hours later, a friend who got concerned when I missed plans standing over me holding my num-chucks for me to see and saying something like, “maybe you should put the foam safety sleeves back on these things.” “I’m too old for training chuks!” I’d shout back in response. Because I am. I’m 29 years old. That’s WAY too old for training chuks. The BROWNS abduct people too, but it’s rare, and more like just a pleasant social visit. There’s usually snacks and polite conversation involved and they offer to take your coat if it’s winter and if you have to go to the bathroom they’ll tell you, “down the hall, second door to the left.” But here’s a word to the wise - DO NOT offer BROWN aliens Reeses Pieces. Abductee: Would you like some Reeses Pieces? Brown Alien: (trying to be polite but with obviously strained patience) Because E.T. loves those, right? Abductee: (awkwardly) No, I mean, I know E.T. likes Reeses Pieces, but lots of things like Reeses Pieces too, things like people and…. creatures, and…. things…. they all like Reeses Pieces Brown Alien: Look. I’m not E.T. okay! Abductee: I didn’t mean to say that you were! I was just trying to be polite and offer you some Reeses Pieces! I don’t think you realize what a popular earth snack these are! Brown Alien: You realize that E.T. was a work of FICTION, right? Abductee. Of course I do! I’m really sorry. Can we please just start over? Brown Alien: I’ve got a better idea, let’s just call it a day. Abductee: What? Just for offering you some Reeses Pieces? Brown Alien: (ignores abducted and presses at some buttons and crap) Abductee: I just offered you some Reeses Pieces is all! Brown Alien: (rolls eyes) Abductee: Why you gotta be like that? Brown Alien: (sending abductee down the saucer’s gravity hole to lie in an abandoned field somewhere) This abduction is OVER!

Brian 12:11 AM

Comments:

soooo it's bad to say "ill kill you mother f'rs!" to the browns?

# posted by Anonymous : 1:41 AM

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House of Noh!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005