E-mail: Brian7Morris "at" hotmail.com Archives March 2002 April 2002 May 2002 June 2002 July 2002 August 2002 September 2002 October 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 current Blogs Mandapants farkleberries Uranium City Records The C.M. Sienko Foundation Storyteller Musings Solotarian Views Lynne Wiora Tek Poker News Blog Some Biscuits Evil Eye Emporium Niggling Doubts Pressure Release Sara as Mommy runswithscissors Defective Yeti Afternoon Delight trancejen The Terrarium Bird Nird Slipperily Tofu Hut Stereo Gum Links Fixed Gear Gallery Get Crafty This is Grand Featherproof Books Gapers Block Chicago Bird Watching	No one must know my terrible secret... House of Noh! Tuesday, February 08, 2005 I’m not really one to follow how much people weigh or anything. Jared is an exception. He’s the one who made it an issue - waving his huge old pants around, talking big about how he eats a Subway sandwich for every meal and how he lost all that weight. But have you noticed… recently?…like in his commercials?… Jared’s not so skinny anymore. And if Jared’s weight gain is apparent just by watching Subway commercials, you know that he must be packing on the pounds in real life because I’m sure that before each commercial and public appearance Subway PR people fly in high-priced cosmetologists from Los Angeles with slimming clothes and ultra-tight full-body neo-whalebone man-corsets that take half an hour to cinch Jared into. Nobody understands - Jared’s closest friends, family, his lawyer and agent. They’re all probably like, “we just don’t get it Jared, you’ve got it made - a lucrative endorsement contract, fame, all the free subs you can eat! All you have to do is stay under 193 pounds! That can’t be so hard, can it? For what Subway is offering you?” This whole situation must make for tense meetings between Jared, Subway top brass and Subway’s retained counsel. “Look, Jared!” Subway lawyers threaten, “Subway has been more than patient with you. If your body mass continues to exceed 193 pounds, then Subway is well within its contractual rights to terminate your endorsement contract and recover from you everything you’ve been paid.” Jared probably used to give the lawyers and Subway Corporate false assurances that he’d lose the extra pounds and he probably used to shave off his pubes to read lighter on the Subway scales, but now I bet he’s just like, “go fuck yourself! I can’t live like this!” And I don’t think Subway Corporate is very optimistic about the situation, either; I noticed that Subway’s most recent television commercial lays the groundwork for portraying Jared as a compulsive snacker. That’s right! Get ready for a Subway-backed smear Jared campaign! They’re gonna throw Jared to the dogs! Thing went bad years ago. It’s obvious what’s been happening at the gas station / fast food restaurant where Jared procures his steady diet of Subway sandwiches : Sandwich artist: “Look Jared, you know the rules.” Jared: “Put cheese and condiments on my twelve inch chicken teriyaki sub!” Sandwich artist: “But Jared, what about your lucrative endorsement contract with Subway Corporate? What about Subway legal? What about all the dieters who purchase subway sandwiches in homage to your diet success? These things [Subway sandwiches] are lard bombs with cheese and condiments!” Jared: “Are you a sandwich artist or not!?” Sandwich artist: “I’m a sandwich artist! Dammit! I’m a sandwich artist!” Jared: “Then do as I command!” Sandwich artist (applying cheese and condiments) “May god have mercy on your soul!” But really, I’m just like “whatever,” when it comes to Jared. But you want to know what’s fucked up about Subway? For FOREVER I’ve been collecting those little sub club tickets they give you when you buy a sandwich. They’re tiny (and probably intentionally) easy to lose, so I’m always so careful to tuck them into a special place in my wallet. You’re going to be mad if, like me, you’ve been collecting sub club points and you didn’t know this all along: It turns out that the only thing you can get for your sub club points - no matter how many you have - is more submarine sandwiches! That’s seriously fucked up. Brian 4:27 PM Comments: Post a Comment

E-mail: Brian7Morris "at" hotmail.com

Blogs

Mandapants
farkleberries
Uranium City Records
The C.M. Sienko Foundation
Storyteller Musings
Solotarian Views
Lynne Wiora
Tek
Poker News Blog
Some Biscuits
Evil Eye Emporium
Niggling Doubts
Pressure Release
Sara as Mommy
runswithscissors
Defective Yeti
Afternoon Delight
trancejen
The Terrarium
Bird Nird
Slipperily
Tofu Hut
Stereo Gum

House of Noh!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I’m not really one to follow how much people weigh or anything. Jared is an exception. He’s the one who made it an issue - waving his huge old pants around, talking big about how he eats a Subway sandwich for every meal and how he lost all that weight. But have you noticed… recently?…like in his commercials?… Jared’s not so skinny anymore. And if Jared’s weight gain is apparent just by watching Subway commercials, you know that he must be packing on the pounds in real life because I’m sure that before each commercial and public appearance Subway PR people fly in high-priced cosmetologists from Los Angeles with slimming clothes and ultra-tight full-body neo-whalebone man-corsets that take half an hour to cinch Jared into. Nobody understands - Jared’s closest friends, family, his lawyer and agent. They’re all probably like, “we just don’t get it Jared, you’ve got it made - a lucrative endorsement contract, fame, all the free subs you can eat! All you have to do is stay under 193 pounds! That can’t be so hard, can it? For what Subway is offering you?” This whole situation must make for tense meetings between Jared, Subway top brass and Subway’s retained counsel. “Look, Jared!” Subway lawyers threaten, “Subway has been more than patient with you. If your body mass continues to exceed 193 pounds, then Subway is well within its contractual rights to terminate your endorsement contract and recover from you everything you’ve been paid.” Jared probably used to give the lawyers and Subway Corporate false assurances that he’d lose the extra pounds and he probably used to shave off his pubes to read lighter on the Subway scales, but now I bet he’s just like, “go fuck yourself! I can’t live like this!” And I don’t think Subway Corporate is very optimistic about the situation, either; I noticed that Subway’s most recent television commercial lays the groundwork for portraying Jared as a compulsive snacker. That’s right! Get ready for a Subway-backed smear Jared campaign! They’re gonna throw Jared to the dogs! Thing went bad years ago. It’s obvious what’s been happening at the gas station / fast food restaurant where Jared procures his steady diet of Subway sandwiches : Sandwich artist: “Look Jared, you know the rules.” Jared: “Put cheese and condiments on my twelve inch chicken teriyaki sub!” Sandwich artist: “But Jared, what about your lucrative endorsement contract with Subway Corporate? What about Subway legal? What about all the dieters who purchase subway sandwiches in homage to your diet success? These things [Subway sandwiches] are lard bombs with cheese and condiments!” Jared: “Are you a sandwich artist or not!?” Sandwich artist: “I’m a sandwich artist! Dammit! I’m a sandwich artist!” Jared: “Then do as I command!” Sandwich artist (applying cheese and condiments) “May god have mercy on your soul!” But really, I’m just like “whatever,” when it comes to Jared. But you want to know what’s fucked up about Subway? For FOREVER I’ve been collecting those little sub club tickets they give you when you buy a sandwich. They’re tiny (and probably intentionally) easy to lose, so I’m always so careful to tuck them into a special place in my wallet. You’re going to be mad if, like me, you’ve been collecting sub club points and you didn’t know this all along: It turns out that the only thing you can get for your sub club points - no matter how many you have - is more submarine sandwiches! That’s seriously fucked up.

Brian 4:27 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

<< chicago blogs >>

Archives

Blogs

Links

No one must know my terrible secret...

House of Noh!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005