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Blogs

No one must know my terrible secret...

House of Noh!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Here’s a little something I want to pass along to the socialist protesting [something] on a downtown Chicago street about a week ago. I’M WITH YOU MAN, but don’t you get it? Just because I’m the only one to walk past you and give you some indication, a very brief look indeed, that I’m down with your cause (and really, pretty much any protest or demonstration with notes of conspiracy theory and / or anti-authoritarianism) doesn’t mean you should take that as license to chase me down and shout at me and shake socialist literature in my face at the next stoplight. Because you see that guy standing next to me? He’s my new boss you pinko. And I haven’t figured out where he is politically. You think I’m in a suit for kicks? You think I’m in this suit according to my needs? I’m in this suit according to my means, man, so back the fuck off. Ixnay on the ocialismsay. I’m with my capitalist ossbay. A more emotional mature socialist would have realized what was going on and just considered the whole situation “point made” without a big to-do. Who do you think you are? The pope of chilitown or something?

You know that commercial (and I KNOW you socialists love T.V.!) - that commercial where that stoic boss is riding in the passenger seat of some hip young business dude’s brand new Ford Focus of whatever, and stoic boss is like, “Blah, blah, I’m very impressed with the capabilities of your firm, blah blah.” And then the young guy says some crap like, “blah blah, I use business words like “quarter” instead of “three months blah blah.” But then the stoic boss turns on the radio to listen to some sports scores or whatever and some consumer rock blares over the car’s speaker, embarrassing the young business dude in the stoic boss’ eyes but proving the young business dude is economically successful without having lost his youthful cool? Whatever. Here’s the important part of that commercial: those people in back of the car, the ones that don’t say anything, and effect very stern expressions that make them seem like they’ve lost all joy in life. I’m one of them. So now I hope you understand why I can’t be all loudly supportive of your ideology out loud, socialist.

But in my defense, what you don’t see on the above-mentioned Ford Focus commercial is what the quiet, abashed guy sitting in the back seat on the right said just before he sat back in his seat and resumed his stern look and silence. He said something like, “Hey guys! The sun just winked at me!” That didn’t go over well for him.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

I used to be cool. But now I’m just some asshole walking down the street carrying a new-in-the-box, ten cup, Mr. Coffee machine. This one has a timer so I can set it and drink coffee that’s ready right when I wake up. It also has the drip flow interrupter, so I can pour a cup before it’s done brewing. Oh! And automatic two hour shut-off, biatch!! On the walk home with Mr. Coffee, this panhandler was like, “Hey man, how about you help out the homeless before you go completely bald!” Touche, Panhandler! Tou – che!! But you’re not homeless. I know because you’re wearing trousers with clean knees and you’ve got socks on. I’ve seen REAL homeless dudes before, and they don’t wear socks (or even have shoelaces usually but I let people slide on that one). And you’re not going to have clean knees if you have to crawl under a bridge overpass or into some bushes to find a place to sleep! That’s how I spot you fakers with homes.