House of Noh Journal

I've discussed this phenomena with lots of people. "Bums," they tell me. "It's because of bums." I've never gotten a good explanation, and if I push it too far, the person behind the counter at the shop or at the host stand at the restaurant starts getting suspicious and narrows his or her eyes and is like, "I think that you're a bum! Get out of here you bum, you can't use our bathroom!!"

I don't get it, because how is a bum using a bathroom any different from the non-bum's use? Unless it's because a bum might comb his hair in a bathroom, using the sink over the bathroom (I saw a guy doing this exact thing in the Harold Davis branch of the Chicago Library once, and I think he might have been a bum). But if local retailers don't want people combing their hair, then why do they put mirrors in their bathroom to begin with?

As I was saying, I had to take a leak real bad. I was on Belmont, just off the Redline. First I tried that philly steak place. I found the bathrooms, but they had this elaborate set-up. There was a sign that said you had to get a receipt, and then you had to show the receipt to the manager, and then somebody had to buzz you in, like you were entering lock-down or something? I was like, fuck this receipt and manager shit, and tried to open the bathroom door anyway, but it was LOCKED. So I was like, "Aargh!!" and then I ran out of there. Then I tried the Starbucks.

This is how I pulled it off: First I stood about ten feet away from the counter, and looked up at the menu and acted like I was going to buy something, but I couldn't decide what. If my act was any good at all, then it was conveyed that I couldn't decide what I wanted to drink until the uncomfortable pressure in my bladder had been alleviated. Then I approached the counter person, and asked if she had a bathroom. She said yes and pointed to it. The bathroom was unisex. It wasn't locked, but it was unmarked and placed next to similar looking decoy doors.

While I was using the bathroom, I analyzed my situation. I felt confident. So upon leaving, I walked by the counter without buying anything, trying to play it cool (see what you've done to me Chicago, with all your mean signs?). I kept expecting somebody behind the counter to shout something like, "hey, come back, you used our bathroom, now you have to buy something!!" And then, I had decided, I'd have to turn and shout "Suckers!" at them through the crowd and run out. But the counter people played it cool as I passed the counter. Then I was at the door, and nobody had shouted anything. I paused there, just a few seconds, as a fair-play thing, to give the counter people a chance to shout. But they shouted nothing, and I wasn't able to yell "Suckers!!" despite having played the bathroom situation brilliantly. Touche, Starbucks. Touche.

E-mail: Brian7Morris "at" hotmail.com Archives March 2002 April 2002 May 2002 June 2002 July 2002 August 2002 September 2002 October 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 current Blogs Mandapants farkleberries Uranium City Records The C.M. Sienko Foundation Storyteller Musings Solotarian Views Lynne Wiora Tek Poker News Blog Some Biscuits Evil Eye Emporium Niggling Doubts Pressure Release Sara as Mommy runswithscissors Defective Yeti Afternoon Delight trancejen The Terrarium Bird Nird Slipperily Tofu Hut Stereo Gum Links Fixed Gear Gallery Get Crafty This is Grand Featherproof Books Gapers Block Chicago Bird Watching	No one must know my terrible secret... House of Noh! Thursday, January 19, 2006 Something that, at least in my experience, is unique to Chicago, is local retailer's reluctance to make bathrooms available to the bathroom going public. When I first came to Chicago I was shocked with how hard it is to find someplace to take a leak, especially in the Loop. Everywhere you go, there's signs posted about how bathrooms are not available, and how only paying customers can use the bathrooms, and how if you have to take a leak, it's really not in the restaurant's or the shop keeper's best interest to micturate on their leased premises. It's like having a really hostile, aggressive sign in your restaurant or store window is cool, and all the shopkeepers and restauranteers in Chicago are in High School. I've discussed this phenomena with lots of people. "Bums," they tell me. "It's because of bums." I've never gotten a good explanation, and if I push it too far, the person behind the counter at the shop or at the host stand at the restaurant starts getting suspicious and narrows his or her eyes and is like, "I think that you're a bum! Get out of here you bum, you can't use our bathroom!!" I don't get it, because how is a bum using a bathroom any different from the non-bum's use? Unless it's because a bum might comb his hair in a bathroom, using the sink over the bathroom (I saw a guy doing this exact thing in the Harold Davis branch of the Chicago Library once, and I think he might have been a bum). But if local retailers don't want people combing their hair, then why do they put mirrors in their bathroom to begin with? As I was saying, I had to take a leak real bad. I was on Belmont, just off the Redline. First I tried that philly steak place. I found the bathrooms, but they had this elaborate set-up. There was a sign that said you had to get a receipt, and then you had to show the receipt to the manager, and then somebody had to buzz you in, like you were entering lock-down or something? I was like, fuck this receipt and manager shit, and tried to open the bathroom door anyway, but it was LOCKED. So I was like, "Aargh!!" and then I ran out of there. Then I tried the Starbucks. This is how I pulled it off: First I stood about ten feet away from the counter, and looked up at the menu and acted like I was going to buy something, but I couldn't decide what. If my act was any good at all, then it was conveyed that I couldn't decide what I wanted to drink until the uncomfortable pressure in my bladder had been alleviated. Then I approached the counter person, and asked if she had a bathroom. She said yes and pointed to it. The bathroom was unisex. It wasn't locked, but it was unmarked and placed next to similar looking decoy doors. While I was using the bathroom, I analyzed my situation. I felt confident. So upon leaving, I walked by the counter without buying anything, trying to play it cool (see what you've done to me Chicago, with all your mean signs?). I kept expecting somebody behind the counter to shout something like, "hey, come back, you used our bathroom, now you have to buy something!!" And then, I had decided, I'd have to turn and shout "Suckers!" at them through the crowd and run out. But the counter people played it cool as I passed the counter. Then I was at the door, and nobody had shouted anything. I paused there, just a few seconds, as a fair-play thing, to give the counter people a chance to shout. But they shouted nothing, and I wasn't able to yell "Suckers!!" despite having played the bathroom situation brilliantly. Touche, Starbucks. Touche. Brian 9:44 PM Comments: You nailed it, Brian - public bathrooms in Chicago are rarer than Wrigleyville street parking during a Cubs game. What we need is some to create a Chicago version of this "Public Toilet" Googlemaps mashup, which displays a scalable map of places to relieve oneself in San Francisco. http://paul.kedrosky.com/publicloos/ Although, as we know, the above map could be used for..er..ulterior purposes. {cough GEORGE MICHAEL cough} Anyhow, the "bums" excuse always rang hollow to me. What if a bum buys a sub-dollar cup of coffee just to use the john? # posted by Lenka : 12:55 PM What do bums do in public bathrooms? As a former employee of Starbucks, I have many many stories. How about making Raman Noodles in the sink? How about stripping down and taking a sponge bath with an enter package of paper towels and then leaving them in a soggy heap on the floor? How about having some sort of intestinal explosion which rendered the bathroom unusable for at least 2 hours? I agree that it is almost impossible to find a bathroom, although my friend recently pointed out that Jewel has public restooms (usually in back, near the milk), however I do undertand businesses wanting to keep tabs on who goes in and out. # posted by lulu : 5:58 PM I cannot believe you wrote about this. My blog was originally titled 'Where's the Bathroom?' and I thought I was only one who really thought about this particular subject.(I have now changed the blog title cause I didn't think it would attract anybosy.)Anyway, one obviously will only really think about it when one has to go really bad and can't find one. Here's a hint if you are downtown - hotels. I work in one. We'll tell people it's not for public use if they look shady but otherwise just be super confident and walk through the lobby like you belong there. You'll find it. # posted by Little Penguin : 8:39 PM Brian, you could always revert back to your college days and just use empty vodka bottles... Potter # posted by Anonymous : 12:06 PM Post a Comment

Comments:

You nailed it, Brian - public bathrooms in Chicago are rarer than Wrigleyville street parking during a Cubs game.

What we need is some to create a Chicago version of this "Public Toilet" Googlemaps mashup, which displays a scalable map of places to relieve oneself in San Francisco.

http://paul.kedrosky.com/publicloos/

Although, as we know, the above map could be used for..er..ulterior purposes. {*cough* GEORGE MICHAEL *cough*}

Anyhow, the "bums" excuse always rang hollow to me. What if a bum buys a sub-dollar cup of coffee just to use the john?

# posted by Lenka : 12:55 PM

What do bums do in public bathrooms? As a former employee of Starbucks, I have many many stories. How about making Raman Noodles in the sink? How about stripping down and taking a sponge bath with an enter package of paper towels and then leaving them in a soggy heap on the floor? How about having some sort of intestinal explosion which rendered the bathroom unusable for at least 2 hours?

I agree that it is almost impossible to find a bathroom, although my friend recently pointed out that Jewel has public restooms (usually in back, near the milk), however I do undertand businesses wanting to keep tabs on who goes in and out.

# posted by lulu : 5:58 PM

I cannot believe you wrote about this. My blog was originally titled 'Where's the Bathroom?' and I thought I was only one who really thought about this particular subject.(I have now changed the blog title cause I didn't think it would attract anybosy.)Anyway, one obviously will only really think about it when one has to go really bad and can't find one. Here's a hint if you are downtown - hotels. I work in one. We'll tell people it's not for public use if they look shady but otherwise just be super confident and walk through the lobby like you belong there. You'll find it.

# posted by Little Penguin : 8:39 PM

Brian, you could always revert back to your college days and just use empty vodka bottles...
Potter

# posted by Anonymous : 12:06 PM

Archives

Blogs

Links

No one must know my terrible secret...

House of Noh!

Thursday, January 19, 2006