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No one must know my terrible secret...

House of Noh!

Friday, February 10, 2006

And then nobody in the salsa industry will take that salsa company seriously.

My advice to these salsa companies: Don’t worry about what people are going to think. Just be your corporate self, for Chrissakes!

Because imagine this: what if there is a salsa consumer out there who is a wuss (and I imagine there are plenty of salsa wusses out there. For instance, one time I was grilling steaks with an ex-girlfriend, and she mistakenly sprinkled hot pepper on her steak instead of black pepper, and it wasn’t that hot, I checked later, but she spit her first mouthful out into her hand and shouted, “I hate spicy food!” and then hurled the ball of chewed up meat across the back yard and over the fence in back. I should clarify here, however, that when I say “wuss” I am referring to wussness in the salsa / hot / food spiciness sense only and am not using “wuss” in general terms.)

Back to the hypothetical: imagine any salsa wuss. And imagine that the salsa wuss thinks they can handle the Medium Salsa, because, after all, it’s only one step above Mild. But then it turns out that it’s really the hottest salsa that the salsa company sells, and the salsa wuss is totally wrecked and barfs all over the place and craps his or her pants at the fair, and nobody that he or she came with to the fair is ready to go home, so he or she just has to sort of stand around for like an hour, eating an elephant ear, with a load of crap in his or her pants. This is very embarrassing. I don’t want to be any sort of muck raiser here, but wouldn’t that be a good grounds for a lawsuit? Way better than suing for finding what you claim to be a severed penis in a jar of something that turns out only to be a rare penis-shaped fungus.

I also learned this today: although saber-toothed tigers aren't TECHNICALLY considered dinosaurs, they can still be categorized with true dinosaurs for fighting purposes.