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No one must know my terrible secret...

House of Noh!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

But anyway it was a nice gesture when T from the main office called to organize a pizza party that included our little office last Friday.

Nine times out of ten when that phone rings it's a wrong number. I guess the previous company that had that space, or at least that phone number, was a Talent Agency (called something creepy, like "Herberts and Assocs."). Talent hopefuls are still calling the number. We get at least three calls a day like that there.

One time I picked up the phone and a guy said, in a deep, resonant masculine and commanding voice: "HELLO. (pause for return greeting) FROM THE DAWN OF TIME THE LACK OF TALENT FOR NARRATIVE SUCH AS I POSSESS HAS PLAGUED THE DOCUMENTARY MOVIE INDUSTRY!"

I was like, "what?"

"DO YOU REPRESENT VOICE-OVER ARTISTS?" Then I realized it was a talent agency call so said sorry he had the wrong number and I didn't know what happened to the talent agency.

Then another time a guy called up who had a really thick accent. He was talking really fast, and said something like, "something something living monkey?"

I was like, what? And then he was like, "something something frozen statue?" I said, what? Then he said, "are you looking for living statute?" So I knew at least then this was a talent agency call. I told him he had the wrong number. Later though I regretted it because it would have been totally cool to have a living statute guy in our office. People would come in and then do a double take and be like, "What's that guy doing just standing there in the corner?" and then we could be like, "he's a living statute, man! Go ahead and wave your hand in front of his eyes or something, he's really good!!"

Most of the time when I answer the office phone on these talent agency wrong numbers (normally it's young women) I feel like a really fucked up and capricious Ed McMahon, because no matter what sort of hard luck story I get on the phone, or how talented the caller tells me they are as soon as I pick up the phone, they never get any stars from the judges - I just don't have that authority.

So nine times out of ten when the phone rings it's one of the talent agency calls, but late last week I picked up the phone and it was T, calling from the main office to organize our pizza party. T asked who she was speaking to, and I said it was me. Then she asked to speak with L. This was a pattern that repeated itself over the rest of the day as T called repeatedly to iron out plans in the multi-office pizza party she was organizing. It became apparent that T only wanted to talk to L – even though it's not like he outranks either S or I (me). So after the third call in which T insisted she speak with L, S from our office got up from where she usually sits by L and sat down in one of the empty chairs on my side of the room. S announced that she was going to sit on my side of the room from now on. L, who figured the comment was barbed toward him but not fully understanding how, was like, "What? Why are you moving?" That’s when I stood up and pointed to L's side of the room and shouted, "because that side’s for jerks!!" which I thought would be funny but L got really upset.

L immediately launched into this speech about how he doesn't care what we think about him where'd he kept saying "I don't care! I don't care what you think! I don't give a rat's ass what you think!!" He said it in a way that was sort of mostly kidding, but maybe a little not kidding, but he said it with enough of a kidding kind of tone so that both S and I (me) couldn't address any hurt feelings he had. Later that day he left early. He was packing up his briefcase and said again how S and I (me) had hurt his feelings. But again he said it like he was just kidding. Kidding or not, it was obvious that he hadn't forgotten it. I felt bad but what could I do? I've had my feelings hurt too, you know. Workplaces are cruel, cruel environments.