House of Noh Journal

The woman who lives two floors below me gives that little fucker peanuts in a cute little dish. He tears the shit out of the plants on her porch too. I don't know if she's made the connection or not. One time I saw that squirrel run inside through her window. I know! Home invasion! And one time that squirrel backed me up on my porch giving me his look like he was going to bite my ass if I didn't give him a peanut. I didn't have any peanuts and my hand was shaking too hard to fit the key in the lock to my door so I used the hockeystick I keep on my porch to get in his face and he leapt off the porch, glided three floors on outstreched arms, hit the pavement and kept on scampering. Then the next morning I left my place for work. I was walking to the El when I felt a shudder go through my body. I looked over my shoulder and there was that squirrel spying on me all angry from behind a telephone pole.

Where my grandma used to live circa when my brother and I called her "Farm Grandma" there were mean dogs that were always running around and so she carried a stick whenever she went outside. I've got no ideas where all these pack-mean feral dogs were coming from, but I saw them sometimes running in the distance together all bunched and tossing the maimed body of one of my grandparents' farm cats between their jaws. My grandpa was like fuck the stick and he carried a gun when he went to the barn. Once time a dog charged him. My grandpa tried to punch the dog away with the muzzle of his gun but the dog bit onto the barrel. My grandpa got freaked and pulled the trigger. My grandma really likes telling that story.

I'm just saying that if you think I'm mean for showing that squirrel the hockey stick it was only in self defense and that hockey stick I pulled out of the trash a few months ago is sort of like the stick my grandma used to carry for dogs, except this is the city, you know, so I don't have a farm stick I have a hockey stick. And it's for squirrels.

He's a grey squirrel. I think that's the worst kind. I read in a falconry text somewhere that grey squirrels have the toughest hide and strongest jaws, and I guess they're really making a mess of England by chewing into homeowner's eaves and defecating in pub owners pie warmers or something.

The other day I was keying into my back door on my porch and again I felt that shudder run through my body. I looked up over my shoulder and that same squirrel was in his nest up in the rafters of my porch. He had only just his fatty little face pushed out between two boards. All I could see was his face and I thought he was some kind of soft grey fungus at first. The squirrel was staring at me silently. When he saw that I saw him, he pulled his face back into his nest quick.

It shows he's no innocent woodland creature. First, why would a squirrel want to spy on me in the first place? And second, he was aware that he was spying covertly, or why would he otherwise dart his head back in his nest as soon as I saw him there? I think this is how samaurais felt when they first became aware they were being hunted by ninjas.

E-mail: Brian7Morris "at" hotmail.com Archives March 2002 April 2002 May 2002 June 2002 July 2002 August 2002 September 2002 October 2002 November 2002 December 2002 January 2003 February 2003 March 2003 April 2003 May 2003 June 2003 July 2003 August 2003 September 2003 October 2003 November 2003 December 2003 January 2004 February 2004 March 2004 April 2004 May 2004 June 2004 July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 current Blogs Mandapants farkleberries Uranium City Records The C.M. 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The woman who lives two floors below me gives that little fucker peanuts in a cute little dish. He tears the shit out of the plants on her porch too. I don't know if she's made the connection or not. One time I saw that squirrel run inside through her window. I know! Home invasion! And one time that squirrel backed me up on my porch giving me his look like he was going to bite my ass if I didn't give him a peanut. I didn't have any peanuts and my hand was shaking too hard to fit the key in the lock to my door so I used the hockeystick I keep on my porch to get in his face and he leapt off the porch, glided three floors on outstreched arms, hit the pavement and kept on scampering. Then the next morning I left my place for work. I was walking to the El when I felt a shudder go through my body. I looked over my shoulder and there was that squirrel spying on me all angry from behind a telephone pole. Where my grandma used to live circa when my brother and I called her "Farm Grandma" there were mean dogs that were always running around and so she carried a stick whenever she went outside. I've got no ideas where all these pack-mean feral dogs were coming from, but I saw them sometimes running in the distance together all bunched and tossing the maimed body of one of my grandparents' farm cats between their jaws. My grandpa was like fuck the stick and he carried a gun when he went to the barn. Once time a dog charged him. My grandpa tried to punch the dog away with the muzzle of his gun but the dog bit onto the barrel. My grandpa got freaked and pulled the trigger. My grandma really likes telling that story. I'm just saying that if you think I'm mean for showing that squirrel the hockey stick it was only in self defense and that hockey stick I pulled out of the trash a few months ago is sort of like the stick my grandma used to carry for dogs, except this is the city, you know, so I don't have a farm stick I have a hockey stick. And it's for squirrels. He's a grey squirrel. I think that's the worst kind. I read in a falconry text somewhere that grey squirrels have the toughest hide and strongest jaws, and I guess they're really making a mess of England by chewing into homeowner's eaves and defecating in pub owners pie warmers or something. The other day I was keying into my back door on my porch and again I felt that shudder run through my body. I looked up over my shoulder and that same squirrel was in his nest up in the rafters of my porch. He had only just his fatty little face pushed out between two boards. All I could see was his face and I thought he was some kind of soft grey fungus at first. The squirrel was staring at me silently. When he saw that I saw him, he pulled his face back into his nest quick. It shows he's no innocent woodland creature. First, why would a squirrel want to spy on me in the first place? And second, he was aware that he was spying covertly, or why would he otherwise dart his head back in his nest as soon as I saw him there? I think this is how samaurais felt when they first became aware they were being hunted by ninjas. Brian 9:47 PM Comments: whatever happens, DO NOT FEED IT FRENCH FRIES! -BBB # posted by Anonymous : 12:12 PM I'm jealous! You have a key to your backdoor? I've lived in Rhoton's building for 3 years and haven't gotten a key yet. # posted by Little Penguin : 12:47 PM A squirrel that can shape shift into a fungus is surely a creature to beware of! If it comes down to a duel, I'd choose the pogo stick. # posted by Sharon : 8:08 PM Did you know this? "Although grey squirrels have a wide range of calls, they communicate mainly through their tails, using them as a signalling device; they twitch their tails if they are uneasy or suspicious." Be on the lookout. A suspicious squirrel is one mental state away from a panicky attack squirrel. Also, you might like my friend Britt's blog. It is all fake facts, completely made up. I like it when Britt includes his wife Nora's comments, like how "Did you know that 70% of all strawberries are hollow!" http://verylittleknownfacts.blogspot.com/ # posted by tracie : 4:58 AM the squirrel thing, btw, is from this website, but I bet you have already studied it, as you are nothing if not a scholar! http://www.yptenc.org.uk/docs/factsheets/animal_facts/grey_squirrel.html # posted by Tracie : 5:07 AM If you are really concerned, you might want to get in touch with te squirrel's most hated natural enemy _ the arborist. I just spent a week at an arborist's training class where I learned how to haul myself up into trees with ropes and harnesses and cut stuff up with chainsaws. And on all the lunch btreaks, all of the arborists would get together and swap squirrel encounter stories. One swarthy fellow recounted an incident in which an entire clan of squirrels rushed him while he was 75 feet up in a burr oak, and he was forced to saw one in half with a Husqvarna 375 XP chainsaw to save his own life. So, you might just want to notify an arborist of your predicament...they would probably relish the chance for a little pre-emptive squirrel combat on the comparative safety of an urban balcony. Ace # posted by Anonymous : 9:37 AM Submit his data to http://scarysquirrel.org # posted by Anonymous : 2:46 PM Post a Comment

Comments:

whatever happens, DO NOT FEED IT FRENCH FRIES!
-BBB

# posted by Anonymous : 12:12 PM

I'm jealous! You have a key to your backdoor? I've lived in Rhoton's building for 3 years and haven't gotten a key yet.

# posted by Little Penguin : 12:47 PM

A squirrel that can shape shift into a fungus is surely a creature to beware of! If it comes down to a duel, I'd choose the pogo stick.

# posted by Sharon : 8:08 PM

Did you know this?
"Although grey squirrels have a wide range of calls, they communicate mainly through their tails, using them as a signalling device; they twitch their tails if they are uneasy or suspicious."
Be on the lookout. A suspicious squirrel is one mental state away from a panicky attack squirrel. Also, you might like my friend Britt's blog. It is all fake facts, completely made up. I like it when Britt includes his wife Nora's comments, like how "Did you know that 70% of all strawberries are hollow!"
http://verylittleknownfacts.blogspot.com/

# posted by tracie : 4:58 AM

the squirrel thing, btw, is from this website, but I bet you have already studied it, as you are nothing if not a scholar!
http://www.yptenc.org.uk/docs/factsheets/animal_facts/grey_squirrel.html

# posted by Tracie : 5:07 AM

If you are really concerned, you might want to get in touch with te squirrel's most hated natural enemy _ the arborist. I just spent a week at an arborist's training class where I learned how to haul myself up into trees with ropes and harnesses and cut stuff up with chainsaws. And on all the lunch btreaks, all of the arborists would get together and swap squirrel encounter stories. One swarthy fellow recounted an incident in which an entire clan of squirrels rushed him while he was 75 feet up in a burr oak, and he was forced to saw one in half with a Husqvarna 375 XP chainsaw to save his own life. So, you might just want to notify an arborist of your predicament...they would probably relish the chance for a little pre-emptive squirrel combat on the comparative safety of an urban balcony.

Ace

# posted by Anonymous : 9:37 AM

Submit his data to
http://scarysquirrel.org

# posted by Anonymous : 2:46 PM

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Thursday, June 08, 2006